I posted that last post without proof reading and left a note to the reader to explain. I got home this evening from "Church" and began proof reading it. It near made me cry. Many times Winkie would tell me that for God to really use me, a purification by fire would be needed. The greater the calling, the greater the heat. Now I'm not claiming to be anyone great, so don't send me emails telling me I need to be more humble, just read what I wrote and not between the lines please.

And so I look back. I see how God, just as people were telling me in the midst of the darkest of times, that God will use these circumstance to turn me into a "wounded healer". It's even hard for me to type this, because as I express in words, and speak out loud as I type, as I do, the mirror is slowly becoming less dim. It's not that I never understood this in the midst of the pain, it was that I just didn't want the pain. Recently I have had a ministry tell outright completely fabricated lies about me. And Winkie just said, "you mean like they did to Jesus?". It's not all that comforting to hear at the time, but it is the truth.

Which brings me to "Church". I never feel more alone, further from God, than in a "Church" service. I keep putting the word in inverted commas consciously. Tonight I walked out of our meeting during worship. I have nothing against my fellowship, and I know some of them read my blog, including the Pastor, so don't freak out at me ok :) This is not aimed at you, it's aimed at, well, all of us.

So why did I walk out? I never feel more alone, more isolated, than I do during a "Church" service. To my spirit, it is just the most foreign thing in the world. I am going to what some would call a post-modern Church. So exactly what is a post-modern Church? The number one word used in these circles would be "relevant". I tend to see the post-modern Church differently. To me, the post-modern Church is nothing more than a different color paint job on the same old rusting car. It looks new and shiny and people stare at it as it drives past. Inside though it's the same old bomb of a car. Nothing really has changed. We have a new language, a post-modern religion-free language, or so we think. Because it's not religion-free at all. In all eras, the language of religion has progressed, changed, morphed, and that is all that is happening here. It's change masquerading as change. Make sense?

So what does the perfect Church look like to me? It doesn't look like anything. I don't believe in a perfect expression of Church. What I crave is just pure authenticity. Community. Fellowship. Whatever happened to the model of the early Church? We know what it is, we talk about it often, but why then aren't we doing it? I am talking about the simple expression of meeting together in one another's houses. Sharing meals together. Breaking bread and sharing the cup together, what communion, or the eucharist is really about. Not pasteurized grape juice and a wafer. When are we going to just all sit in a circle a few people deep, and just share our lives with others. The eucharist teaches us to be broken and poured out for one another. When. When does this happen? I want to hear about my brother's pain. I have suffered, I know a little of this pain of life, and I know others are going through pain too, and I want to be there with them. I want to embrace, unconditionally, to love on them, to be there for them, to be Jesus to them. Our current Church structure is not an environment that encourages this. We are anti-community. We come to "Church", we sit, we stand we sit again, we probably stand again, then we smile at someone when inside we're hurting and wanting to cry out for help, but we can't. We just follow the program and come back next week for a slightly altered version of the same. Fresh paint, same car. Meanwhile my brother is hurting, and I want to be there for him, and he for me, but we never ever find ourselves in a place of security and intimacy where we can be vulnerable enough to say, hey, I need help.

It's right about now the pragmatist will put his hand up and protest. We have prayer cards where you can write needs down and a pastor will call you and pray with you. We have cell groups you can plug into. We have program xyz that meets your specific needs. And though people's motivations are surely sincere when they are creating such things, they just don't realize how they are simply exacerbating the very problem. The "Church" has had to resort to programs that foster community simply because the very model everything sits on, is not community. The attempt is artificial and doesn't work. The massive turnover of Church attendees is simple empirical evidence of this. We have resorted to tempting new people with coffee vouchers. There's just not a lot to compel them to stay. In fact, recently I looked through the online photo albums of a Church I used to attend about 2 years ago. I struggled to find a picture of anyone I even recognized let alone actually knew. In 2 years, a near 100% turnover. It's unfortunately becoming more typical.

Ok, some will say we need to stop looking at the negatives and focus on the positives. Well we can do that with Hitler and his 3rd Reich too, but it doesn't serve much purpose. To fix a problem, we need to know what they are. I can't have an operation to save my life if the Doctor does not first find out what is wrong with me and share with me the bad news. So tomorrow we'll look at some suggestions for surgery. Stay tuned.


UPDATE
After posting the above, I received an email. I am posting it here with their permission. May it encourage more conversation, send in your own experiences, and I will keep them anon if you wish. Email me, servant@ this domain, or use the comment link just below to the right.

I don't know what I would put on a blog if I had one. You are really willing to put yourself out there!

I have long been feeling exasperated with the church I attend. It is absolutely nothing like the one you are at. It's not at all modern. We are using the same hymnal from 1950 or something. And there are people attending who have been there for 40 years or better and it is very very small. But I don't think people really know each other that well. Or maybe people put you in a box, because they have made up their minds what you are like and that's it.

In my Sunday school the teacher often asks me to read because I am not afraid to pronounce the names. I feel like that is the extent of my being appreciated, and that maybe not even either, it may be resented.

There is a small group of people who gets together to eat after church and evidently at other times. I mostly have not been included in this group of several families. When I was included a few times I didn't really enjoy it.

I don't have any friends. Lately that has been bothering me very keenly. I have been crying constantly. Even in church. Does anyone ask me what's the matter? No. But, what if they did? I feel pretty pathetic. I wonder if it is my lot in life to spend my life alone most of the time? It's because something is wrong with me, I'm not good enough... I think somewhere out there is a place where someone would care... but maybe I am not being fair, do I care?

These are the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately.

The past year, 2007, has without any doubt been the hardest of my life. And in the truest sense of irony, the previous year was unquestionably the very best year of my life. I have learnt many lessons. I began by responding to certain circumstances in the most Godly way, only to lower myself and begin responding in a manner not worthy of my calling. To my friends I offer my apologies for that. Life's lessons never cease.

I recall Joyce Meyer once asking God why she was going through so much crap in her life when she believed God had shown her big amazing things for her life. God answered like this. Joyce, you asked for a lot, its going to cost you something, do you want it or not? Sometimes I feel way to familiar with that. In looking at the lives of so many people that have made a difference in their world, the price has usually been very very high. Greatness does not come without first going through the lowest of places and finding humility and selflessness. Only then, can God raise a man to great heights. And even then, it is His prerogative alone to do so. And He may not, but we can't allow that to hold us back us from a worthy obedience.

In the last few weeks, things have been seriously looking up. I met a person that God has given the same unique missions-vision as I have. This was exciting and inspiring. I have since taken the time to explain this unique concept in a flow chart diagram. If you're involved in missions or would be interested in helping to fund something very unique and very effective, ask me to send this to you.

I feel a lot lighter than I have in recent months. My prayer life that had seriously suffered, is again something I look forward to. The pain and the sorrow was all too real, yet it has taught me much. Much about the love of Christ for us. Much about Grace. About finding God in the midst of real pain. About how very few people are really your friends when it comes to the crunch. About how we in the ministry so often just pass those that are hurting over to some program or course instead of offering them what they really need, love, acceptance, belonging. And then in the most bitter reversal of the Gospel, it is God's own people, not the world, that rejects the love of our Lord and shuns and rejects, causing all the more pain and hurt. This, I have experienced first hand. It makes me embarrassed to say I am a Christian. Embarrassed about Jesus. oh no! Never. Embarrassed of others who call themselves, His.

If you have not read what I recently put on the front page of this site, let me paste it here for you.

I am not a Christian, I am simply one who has discovered there is a God that loves me and sent His Son Yeshua, Jesus, to this earth to teach us how we should live and give us hope for a future lived in harmony with Him through His perfect sacrifice. I find most who call themselves Christians to be the most horrible unconscionable people I meet. For the last several years I have associated almost exclusively with people in the "Church", and it has nearly killed me. In the last few months, I have associated almost exclusively with non-Christians, and it has truly been a revelatory experience. It has been a real eye opener. Indeed, I have found most non-believers to be walking through life in a closer image of how Jesus told us to love one another than many many believers I have met. Of course, there always exceptions.

I believe that.

I like your Christ.
I don’t like your Christians.
They are so unlike your Christ.
Ghandi

OK, this post is not turning into a Western Christian bashing post. Just read Tozer, Keith Green or others for that. I do feel though that I understand Ghandi's perspective in a new, real, first-hand way. If I shared my pain with a Christian, the response was usually something like, "You know God has a perfect plan for your life. Can I pray for you?" From non-believers I would usually get something like, "man, that's crap. Do you want to hang out on Wednesday? You know if you ever need anything..." And so I don't want this label anymore. "Christian". I want to be free from the labels. I AM free from the labels. I want to lean against the Lord as Peter did at Passover and just relax in the depth of that security. That's where it's found. Not in prayers, not in the Bible, not in Theology, but in Jesus. In Him. In Him. Its so simple, yet all my life, I have tried to understand this and failed, until now.

More later, I need to go...

We just had a staff conference in Dallas. We had an amazing speaker from the Newcastle, Australia YWAM base. One of the things he opened my eyes to was how in ministry we so often reverse the logic of the Kingdom, reverting it to the way the world is structured. The world's model is self-serving, and only exists to protect an organization, not people. God's Kingdom works the other way around, showing an almost lack of regard for the organization, but intense desire for relationship with the individual. Our speaker showed it to us like this. In our Churches and ministries, we want people first to behave correctly, then believe the same things we do, then we'll let them belong. Until such a time as they either don't believe anymore, or their behavior is out of line. Behave. Believe. Belong.

God's Kingdom though, works the complete other way around.

Belong.
Believe.
Behave.

What a revelation. This is exactly how the Kingdom works. Look at the thief next to Yeshua on the cross. Here Yeshua exemplifies this. Yeshua told him that he belongs. There isn't even room for the man to believe or behave yet. Just belong.

Let us all model this in our own lives, and in the ministries we serve.

Shalom.

New video blog. I will display it here for a few days, but its home is over in the video blog section.

It is much better to watch it in iTunes, the video is much better, and the audio is not out of sync. Just click here to add it, for free.

Sometimes knowing God's plan for our lives can be confusing. Perhaps looking at it like this will help.

If you're a believer in Christ, take 4 minutes to take a look at my U+2=21 vision.

(I met Francis Frangipane a few months back, and I guess he added me to his newsletter today. This is the first one I have received from him, and it was so pertinent to what I am going through, I decided to share it with you all here. It actually feels like he wrote it just for me. Weird. There is a subscribe page for this newsletter here.)


There are two conditions of the heart no one can hide: one is when the heart is filled with love and the other when we are infected with bitterness. Either condition can take over our thoughts and both can filter our entire view of life. As followers of Jesus Christ, we must make our highest quest to possess hearts full of God’s love. Indeed, how successful we are at revealing Christ’s love is the true measure of our spirituality.

Thus, love cannot long exist as an unexpressed or hidden secret. If love is real, it will be seen in a thousand manifestations reaching to the heart of its beloved. Love, which is in truth passion for oneness, is too powerful to be contained by mere discipline or self-control. Indeed, is not love boldly displayed in its unrequited gifts, and is it not heard in its many encouragements and expressions of concern? Is it not tangible in its unabashed enjoyment of time spent with those it loves?

Bitterness, too, cannot be hidden. A bitter soul is not seeking oneness, but justice. It is driven by the unresolved theft of its peace, personhood or possessions. Bitterness is not just a wound seeking healing, it is a prosecuting attorney building a case against the guilty. Because a bitter soul is conjoined to the injustice committed against it, it perpetually is listening to the voice of its heartache and, thus, perpetually wounded by the unforgiven offense.

Dear friends, Jesus said He came to give us life in abundance. He said He was anointed and sent to proclaim release to prisoners and freedom to captives (John 10:10; Luke 4:18). If we feel we have been spiritually incarcerated by a bitter experience or an injustice, God is not seeking to condemn us for it, but to save us from it. Even now, His Spirit is reaching to release us from this unbearable burden of the past.

How Do We Become Free?
In my thirty-seven years of walking with the Lord, there have been times that I have been slandered, defrauded or unfairly attacked. I have had plenty of opportunities to be embittered by injustice. Not every wound was healed instantly nor each injustice swiftly remedied. Jesus said, “By your endurance you will gain your lives” (Luke 21:19). The Message translation renders this: “Staying with it - that's what is required. Stay with it to the end. You won't be sorry; you'll be saved.” In the final analysis, being wounded or suffering loss is not the issue – Paul said he “suffered the loss of all things.” The real issue is that we “may gain Christ” (Phil. 3:8).

Let me also say, I know people whom the Lord simply touched and healed. Yes, often the Lord will simply remedy the offending situation itself, thus bringing healing. Let us make room for the vastness of God’s grace. Indeed, Hebrews 2:18 reveals that since Christ “Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted.” For no other reason except that He loves us, He will “come to the aid of those” who are embattled. Let us always make room for such grace.

At the same time, I have also recognized that God’s highest goal for me is my conformity to Christ. (See Rom. 8:28-29). God heals me so He can conform me to Christ, and sometimes He reverses that process: He conforms me to Christ so He can heal me. In other words, my deliverance came as I appropriated Christ’s love and learned to entrust myself to God even when I was wounded by injustice.

Consider this issue of trusting God. Peter tells us, “For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;” (1 Pet. 2:21-23).

Sometimes my healing from wounding and possible bitterness came, not because restitution was made to me by the person who hurt me, but because I learned to entrust myself to God who judges righteously. To trust that God will vindicate me in His time and in His way is a sign of spiritual maturity. It’s really the only way we can avoid responding to reviling with reviling and allowing a wound to fester into bitterness.

There are other times when a lingering conflict would become an oppression upon my soul. Again, as an antidote to becoming bitter, Jesus taught, “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad (Luke adds, “and leap for joy”), for your reward in heaven is great” (Matt. 5:11-12).

The Waters of Marah
Christ is not our “Savior” in merely a distant or theological sense; He is Immanuel, “God with us.” He dwells within us; He is committed to us. He is fully capable of transforming what was meant to destroy us and using it as a means to perfect us. We must believe that God is fully able to redeem all we go through. If we harbor unbelief about either the Father’s goodness or His abilities, our difficulties will reduce us to bitter, angry people.

Consider also, if Satan is set on destroying us, it must be because God has something powerful waiting for us in the future. The devil does not waste his time attacking insignificant people; he attacks those he fears will be used by God to liberate others. If Satan can set up an attack that causes you to become bitter, your destiny will be sidetracked until that root of bitterness is plucked from your soul.

How is it that bitterness can exist in us? Bitterness is a demonic manipulation of a wound or injustice we suffer in our soul. Jesus, however, said that the only way to save our souls is to lose them to Him (John 12:25). Beloved, I am telling you how I have passed through some of the most difficult battles I faced: I carried the cross.

I believe that my steps are ordered of God. Therefore, if I have faced an injustice, He must have either allowed it or ordered it. In His great omniscience, He knew I would need more love or faith or dependency upon Him, so He arranged my steps so He could work in me His overcoming nature. My battles are not about me and someone else, or even me coming against the devil; ultimately, in every conflict, God is seeking to create Christlikeness in me. As the character, authority and love of Christ become functional in my life, my enemies are subdued and Christ is triumphant through me.

We must, therefore, get over the idea that there is a painless place of existence on earth, and we must learn how to carry the cross of Christ. The cross puts to death our unbelieving, fearful, selfish nature and allows the character of Christ to emerge in our spirits. The cross is the cost we pay so that redemption prevails.

There is a story in Exodus that figuratively reveals the power of the cross. The Israelites went three days without fresh water. When they finally found water,“they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah” (Ex. 15:22-23). Marah, you’ll recall, means bitterness. They finally found water, but they could not drink it. The Lord, however, showed Moses “a tree; and he threw it into the waters, and the waters became sweet” (Ex. 15:25).

What Moses did was prophetic. The tree that was applied symbolically to the bitter water was a picture of the cross of Christ when it’s applied to our bitter experiences: it turns the bitter to sweet. I know in the many times the enemy has used people to wound or strike me, as I applied the cross to my life – forgiving, blessing and letting love be perfected – the outcome has always been a greater manifestation of Christ in my life.

This is exactly how Paul handled adversity and injustice. Listen to what he wrote, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh” (2 Cor. 4:7-11).

Dear one, is this not what you desire most: the life of Jesus Himself manifested in your mortal flesh? Satan has been manipulating your old nature, seeking to work bitterness into your life. The way the Lord has redeemed me from every battle I have faced has been to use that battle to crucify my old nature and release a greater unveiling of Christ in me. This is New Testament Christianity in its greatest glory.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for trying to save my life. I purpose to trust You, to allow love to be perfected within me, to not seek justice, but mercy for myself and others. Help me, Lord. Reveal Your Spirit’s power within me. Even now, uproot every bitter plant in my soul. Let my words be full of grace and truth, not bitterness and evil. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Many have wronged me these last few weeks. I have seen rank hypocrisy and a rejection of God's truth on a greater scale than I have ever witnessed. But honestly, am "I" any better? We have ALL fallen short of God's standards. Yet in our very act of worship, we can become the most reviled in God's eyes. "I thank you God that I am not like that tax collector over there." See Luke 18:9-14. How quickly one who is striving to be close to God, apparently doing the right thing, can show just how much they fail to grasp the Gospel. In an instant, a man who has rejected God all his life can become at once, right with his Creator. Tragically, the reverse, can happen just as fast. We are fallen, we are broken, and we carry that brokenness around with us like dog poo stuck in the grooves of the soles of our shoes. We don't see it, but if we step out of the draft of God's Spirit, we will sure know it's there, as will everyone else.

Today I find myself in a position where I have been wronged, and am being wronged, with such severity, and by people who are NOT outside of our great family of believers, that it is hard to reconcile their deeds, no, it is impossible to reconcile their deeds with what I know, they know, of God and His truth. Yet I keep asking myself, "am I really any different?" How many times have I purposefully gone against God's Word. How many times have I broken God's law. How many times have I told God He has me, when I know He really doesn't. How many times have I said I would follow, when I know I really won't?

For instance. I have never been pulled over for speeding in all my life. Is that because I don't ever speed, or because I am intensely more observant than most people, and spot the radar setup long before it spots me? We just love to hide behind our "successes", our goodness, our "?holiness?". Don't we.

My friend's grandmother is a probation officer. I was at a court the other day, there was man who's case was being heard. He had broken his bond payments, the judge showed no mercy, he was handcuffed and led away. It was actually a really sad thing to watch. I don't know what he had done, they never mentioned that, but the thought came to my mind, how long would we spend in jail if all the laws we had broken, we were actually caught for. My friend's grandmother says the same thing. That we'd all be in jail, except for the fact that most of us just never get caught. But there is the lie of the enemy, because we do get caught. We ARE caught. And one day every single one of us will stand before a judge and have to answer for all the laws of God we have broken. This is why we need to stop judging, and start forgiving. To stop our condemnation, and offer reconciliation. To turn our arrogance into love. Not a single one of us is blameless, and the moment we think we are, is the very moment we no longer are.

There are those around who seem to have it altogether. The truth always exposes us though. One way or another we MUST admit our own brokenness, our own weakness, our own need for deliverance at the foot of a blood stained cross. Each one of us has missed the mark, fallen short of God's standards. We must stop blaming each other for the faults of this fallen cursed world and realize the true enemy of our souls. Because when we apportion blame and become set on revenge and the downfall of another, we simply set a snare that will ultimately trap not just another child of God, but our own selves.

So I offer my apologies. I'm sorry that I let you all down. I'm sorry I miss the mark. I'm sorry that I have not lived up to the required standard. In my defense, I have little to offer. I simply ask for your forgiveness and your prayers that God would not abandon me, but continue to mold me into the man He wants and needs me to be. God knows I did not cause this pain on purpose, I pray you will know this.

And so to you all, I extend forgiveness. For all the ways you have contributed to ripping me to pieces publicly and privately, and sometimes even with a grin on your face, I forgive you. For the gossip and the slander, I forgive you. For the lies and false accusations and twisting of half-truths, I forgive you. For using my public confessions against me, I forgive you. I love you, and I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. I pray for your well-being, your shalom. I really really do.

I have had a few people write me the most condemning, hate-filled slanderous crap imaginable (all in love of course), and I'm pretty confident this post itself will earn me a few more, because some just can't reconcile my words here with their belief of who I really am. But if you don't believe what I write here in full public view, on permanent record, that's ok, I'm not writing it to convince you of anything, but do know that I love you too, and I forgive you too. I forgive you to release you and me from the bondage of unforgiveness, by releasing you from your wrongs against me.

I...
forgive...
you...


May you find the grace to do likewise. In the deepest part of your soul, may you hear the echo of Calvary, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Let us remember His Grace, His mercy, His forgiveness and unconditional love for us, and do likewise to the people that slam nails into our own wrists.

Shalom be with you.

Can we rest in the boat in the midst of a storm?

It's a question that came to mind yesterday. Picture this. Here is Jesus in a large boat with a dozen or more others, crossing a usually placid lake. Suddenly a freakish storm rises up. The boat is rocking, some are throwing up from the motion sickness, and fear grips the heart. The immediate response is that we need rescuing. In this familiar Bible story, we see Jesus did rescue them, but not in the way they might have expected. We don't see a large cruise liner pulling alongside to take them to a safer place. Instead we see Jesus calming the storm, and ironically even then says that they lacked faith. What were they supposed to do? Ride out the storm? Confront their fears and press on regardless?

It seems so contradictory to the messages we hear in so many Churches each Sunday doesn't it. We usually hear of how blissful life is as a Christian. The reality is, life is full of storms. But Jesus wants us to ride out the storm. He see things from an eternal perspective. So while we freak out, He, rests? It seems incredulous, but it's true, and we can have that same rest in the midst of any storm, we just need to have what Jesus said those disciples in the boat lacked. Faith.

Jesus is teaching me to find rest in the boat. Jesus is teaching me to have faith. The waves are terrible, the lighting is striking way too close for comfort, the thunder shakes me. The boat isn't even on a fixed heading, it's just bobbing back and forth, round and around. But I have faith in what God has spoken. We can cry out that we're all going to die in this storm, or we can follow the leading of Jesus, in faith, and find rest in the midst of the darkest storm, let the storm pan out, and come to the other side in one peace (no typo), and fully rested.

Let our confidence be in Him, He can both calm the storm if we ask, or take us safely to the other side of any sized storm.


Jesus’ disciples went with him as he left in a boat. Suddenly, a severe storm came across the sea. The waves were covering the boat. Yet, Jesus was sleeping. So they woke him up, saying, “Lord! Save us! We’re going to die!” Jesus said to them, “Why do you cowards have so little faith?” Then he got up, gave an order to the wind and the sea, and the sea became very calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the wind and the sea obey him!” Matthew 8:23-27

Brokenness, openness, brings healing

Brokenness. It's been a recurring theme lately, and something I am obviously experiencing first hand right now. Jesus came to bring the Kingdom. The Kingdom though is not just a place, some future event, but something that we can live and walk in right now. In Matthew 3:2, John the baptiser tells the crowds that the Kingdom of God is at hand. Jesus continually repeated those words, see Matthew 4:17, 9:35. If you do a word search for the use of the word Kingdom in the Bible, you'll see Jesus talks about the Kingdom a lot. Some say Jesus talked about hell more than the kingdom. I am sure you've heard someone make such a claim. Actually, according to my Bible software, it 321 references to 13. The Kingdom is what Jesus came to bring us. What does that Kingdom look like?

To answer that question would take a lot more than the few minutes I plan to spend on this blog, so as is likely obvious from the title, I want to just share my heart about being broken, and about being open.

The kingdom of this world teaches us to react a certain way. Revenge is a primary philosophy of the world. We are taught that if someone does something wrong, we need to make them pay. When someone wrongs you, our natural inclination is payback. When I was recently wronged in a big way, it was almost impossible not to think of how I could reverse that wrong by getting back at the people responsible. I could write something nasty. I could make threats. I could... anything to try and make the other person feel the same pain as you. The desire to retaliate is so strong that for a time, it had me in it's grasp. I've been experiencing it these last 2 days like crazy. It's a cycle that the Kingdom that Jesus brings us, breaks. Jesus shows us a better way, His way, the way of the Kingdom. His way is the way of brokenness. A total surrender of the emotions and desires to His. Oh boy, it's a lot harder to do than it is to write, but once we do, we start to see the beauty of the Kingdom blossom. The heart that was once angry, bitter, resentful, starts finding peace, stillness, and rest in the very midst of a trial. We find shalom. (Shalom is the Hebrew word for peace, not some cute zen hippies and crystals thing.) Shalom means more than our English word for peace though, it means being right with God in everything. Shalom is the goal. Shalom is what we discover when we seek first the Kingdom. See Matthew 6.

A heart that is broken, or perhaps another word would be humble or even contrite, is a heart that isn't afraid of openness. Brokenness has no secrets. Brokenness doesn't put up a facade. It lets people in to see what you have. It reaches out to others in pain and allows all our barriers to come collapsing down so that healing can flow. When people find brokenness and openness together, healing is unleashed like a torrent. Suddenly we are set free from putting on the happy-joy-luck-club smile on Sunday morning. When our friends ask us how we are doing, we find the freedom to answer that we're not doing so well. We reach out for help and we find others who have suffered like we now are. We discover that we're really not that different from our friends and together, in brokenness and openness, we have the courage to walk through anything, no matter what the enemy throws at us. Matthew 18:3-4.

Jesus will help you remove the walls you've built and allow you to shine. Maybe you've got a grudge against a friend. Will your friendship dissolve or improve if you ask them to forgive you?There's the way of this world, and then there's His way. Often it's not easy to travel His way, and He warned us that it wouldn't be, but the reward is healing for our hurts, forgiveness of our wrongs, and redemption of our dreams.

May you find His way, the way of life, the way of Shalom, the way of the Kingdom of God brought near to us by his grace, and may you find that the Kingdom of God is as close as you want it to be. Luke 17:20-21.

Shalom.